Last night was a hard night. For the first time since I became a mom three years ago I honestly felt that I might not be cut out to be a parent.
Around 7:30 pm all hell broke loose. Sissy Boo is already attached to me at the hip, but since we’ve been working on weaning her off of nursing at night for over a week now she has been like second skin. I literally walk around sometimes with a baby wrapped around my legs. A freakishly strong baby at that.
Anything can set this girl off. When it does she wails like someone is really trying to harm her. The girl has lungs and she is not afraid to use them. As I was holding her and trying to console her for what seemed like forever she just would not stop. Nic suggested that I go upstairs because she might calm down if she didn’t see me. She continued to shriek but finally wore herself out and fell asleep.
I thought we were in the clear at that point, but Kuya needed his shot too. Every night we brush our teeth and change into PJs. He refused both. After what felt like pulling teeth we got both done. He hadn’t used the bathroom since the early afternoon and he has been wetting his bed lately so we knew that would be inevitable if he didn’t go before bed. He refused. I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom with him having a shouting match. He won.
I Want to Cry
I feel horrible for the thoughts I was having after both of them were finally in bed. I love them with all of my heart and soul, but I felt like last night was confirmation that we should have no more children.
How is it that my children turned out this way? I know they’re still young and this is likely a phase, but when we’re in the moment or when it happens on a daily or hourly basis it’s hard to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.
As predicted Kuya wet his bed. I’ve been up since 3 am because of it. I watched this clip that I remembered from Sex and the City 2 and I cried like a baby. The first time I saw the movie I was childless. I could have never predicted then how much this scene would resonate with me now.
This is Real Life
I usually would not share something so personal like this publicly. We all have a tendency to only show the filtered versions of ourselves through the internet, especially through social media. But that’s not always real life.
Real life is feeling like a terrible mom sometimes. Real life is finding comfort in others who share your struggles when motherhood isn’t wonderful. Real life is not enjoying being a parent all of the time.
It was a tough night and tonight might be the same. My head may feel like I’m ready to give up, but my heart knows that I’m not going anywhere. After watching the Sex and the City clip I scrolled through the photos on my phone and came across this one. I cried even harder.